I like candy.
A lot of people are shocked to discover that I eat like normal people. My sweet friend, Margaret Caffey, just made me a key lime pie yesterday. YUMMMO!! (Thanks, Mags!) And when I go to the movies I always get some Junior Mints. Don’t judge.
But back to the candy. I don’t eat too much of it now, too many calories and such. But I like it. Did I mention the Junior Mints?
I LOVED candy when I was a kid, like most kids. And I loved Halloween, not because I’m evil, demonic, and wicked – which, according to some, I am – but because Halloween is a celebration of candy. C-a-n-d-y, CANDY!
Kids wander the neighborhood, already jacked up on Mountain Dew and candy corn, in search of even more candy. And if that weren’t already good enough, you get to dress up as ANYTHING you want while collecting more and more … candy!
How could it possibly get any better than that?
Halloween costumes are thought-out days, sometimes weeks, in advance. (Store bought costumes are so unoriginal.) But I never understood why, given the whole realm of things to dress up as, my buddies and I fell back on the same old characters year after year, going trick or treating as hobos, pirates, and gynecologists. OK, relax! I’m kidding. I never went as a hobo.
Kids these days have no idea how to properly trick or treat. It’s a lost art, like writing in cursive and memorizing phone numbers. And speaking of, are your kids being taught penmanship and cursive at school? Just curious.
Anyway, as a public service to today’s youth, I’m going to give this generation a lesson in old school trick or treating. Get ready kids! This is gonna be a changing day your life!
First, let’s review the mission. The mission is to get as much GOOD candy as possible in as little time as possible. So, with that goal in sight, let’s get started.
Tip number one: do NOT go with a pack of little kids. Little kids have little legs and they move slow. They will hold you back and slow you down. Plus, since they are cuter than you, THEY will get more cool candy than you will. So, no little kids.
Tip number two: (exception to tip number one) take only ONE little kid and make sure they are really cute. I mean ADORABLE! So much so that you could be dressed up in your mom’s dress and no one would notice! Also, make sure that you and your pals can carry that one kid from house to house if you need to. You could get a backpack thing to carry the kid around in and even go as the Hunchback of Notre Dame. The kid could double as the hunch. And under no circumstances do you allow that kid to cry. Their cuteness is what’ll score the good candy. The adults who give out the candy will be talking about how cute that kid is and they’ll practically empty out their supply to you and your gang.
Tip number three: your marauding band of candy snatchers shouldn’t have more than three kids max, not including your cute kid lure. Small parties of candy grabbers move faster. But equally important, small groups score more candy. Big groups look too big on a front porch and the stingy adults passing out the candy will ration the good stuff as if it were money and not just Snicker bars they’re handing out. So, no big groups.
Tip number four: no full face masks. Those things are hard to see out of and poor vision will slow you down. Remember, you’re a high speed candy gathering machine. You take it on the run, baby. Impaired vision will make you trip and spill your booty. No spilt booties.
Tip number five: don’t wait until it’s dark to get started. Get out there early, like around 5 o’clock! You’ll be sure to get the best candy first! Plus the people probably haven’t had a chance to put the candy in those decorative bowls they bought at Michael’s and they just might give you a TON of candy in their haste to get you off their porch.
Tip number six: have a systematic plan of covering your neighborhood. For example, start three blocks north or your house, working your way back toward your house. That way you’ll be close to home when your bag o’ loot is heaviest. Then stop at your house and get a new bag for your candy, and pick up a new cute kid if one is available. Little kids get tired easily and fussy kids aren’t cute anymore and are a candy-scoring liability.
For your second trip you’ll need to go three blocks south and start there. Repeat with new costumes and new cute kids for a couple of hours. Usually by 8:30 or 9 the good candy is gone and people have turned off their porch lights, blown out the candle in their jack-o-lanterns and the Halloween decorations have been taken down.
Tip number seven: after your last trip out, divide the loot with only one criterion: candy that doesn’t suck makes the cut. Dump the candy on the floor in your bedroom and separate the following from the good candy: fruit, popcorn balls, old lady candy (you know the kind I mean), any homemade stuff like cookies and brownies (whack jobs will put ExLax and other crap in those things trying to be “funny”) Candy that will pull the fillings out of your teeth are keepers. Lame candy that you’ve never even heard of, never seen on TV, or seen at Walgreens should be put in this reject pile. That crap always tastes like … well … crap.
Tip number eight: take the “reject candy” to school the next day and trade with the dumb kids, or the nerdy kids, or the kids who are worried about tooth decay, or the kids of religious zealots who wouldn’t let their kids participate in devil worshiping Halloween blasphemy and got no candy at all – they’ll be grateful to have even your rejects. There’s an outside chance that you’ll be able to trade up. If not, just dump the bag of rejects in the garbage at school.
Tip number nine: protect your booty from your parents. Moms and Dads will often go through your stuff pretending to protect you by culling out the “evil” or “suspicious” candy. That’s a lie. They’re gonna rob you of your good stuff, like Three Musketeers and Paydays. If you can’t avoid their meddling efforts to “protect” you, you’ll have to stash your best candy in a secret place before they’ve had a chance to steal from you. Find a good hiding place in your room. Don’t put your good stuff in a drawer, that’s too obvious. Even clueless parents will look there. But under the bottom drawer of your chest of drawers might work. Take the bottom drawer out and see if you’ve got a space there between the floor and the bottom drawer. That makes for a pretty handy place to hide your good stuff from your selfish parents – who have money and can buy their own candy — and from your older siblings who will steal from you right in front of your face and laugh about it.
Tip number ten: I don’t really have a tip number ten, but nine tips didn’t seem like a very good list.
Oh, wait. Here’s one: if you’re going to make costume changes as you trick or treat, you’ll want to make them quickly, so choose costumes that you can transition into quickly. It’s pretty easy to change a hobo into a construction worker and vice versa. It’s hard to change from a surgeon in scrubs into a Volvo salesman … or the scariest of all, a Wall Street Stock Broker! ewwwwwww
Finally kids, have fun! Halloween is the best holiday of the year devoted to nothing but foolishness, disguises, and of course CANDY!
(Parents, feel free to share these tips with your sister’s kids! Hahaha)
COLD WEATHER POLICY
Anytime the windchill drops to 29 or below, we’ll go inside.
SGT. TONY’S HALF MARATHON TRAINING!
The St. Jude Half Marathon continues this Saturday, October 22. We’ll meet in front of the Visitor’s Center at Shelby Farms at 7am.
Saturday’s run will be for 2hrs 10 min, as we leap frog forward.
Don’t forget sports drink and fuel for the long run!
If you’re NOT training for a half marathon but want to get your one hour of continuous cardio with a group, you can join us for that hour. We’ll be passing through the parking lot of the Visitor’s Center about every 25 minutes or so from 7:10 on.
TOMORROW, Thursday, October 27 is BOGA at 0530 in the “blue” gym.
NEXT TUESDAY, November 1st is the M-16 Workout at CUMC at 0530.
THE MWF 0830 CLASS!
AKA “The Desperate Housewives Class” is BAAAAACK!!! (Yes, there are dudes in this class too!) (“The Real Housewives of East Memphis” is a possible name too!)
The 0830 class is back on ACTIVE DUTY on MWF!
I GOTTA GUY!!! (And a GAL)
I like to share the names of people I do business with and trust so that if you need services that they offer you’ll know someone trustworthy to contact.
1. Margaret Caffey.
Thinking about a trip to Walt Disney World, Universal to see Harry Potter, or maybe a Disney Cruise – Margaret Caffey has turned her passion for all things Disney into a career and is now a travel agent with MEI & Mouse Fan Travel. For all your Disney travel planning or just to ask a question call Margaret at 901-828-6354. Also please take a second to ‘like’ her Facebook page at Mouse Fan Margaret. (https://www.facebook.com/login/setashome.php?ref=login#!/pages/Mouse-Fan-Margaret/130316623686981).
PS – I hear she knows a lot about all the cruise lines too! Margret is MY personal Disney trip planner! No one, and I mean NO ONE, knows more about Disney than Mags!
1. Dr John Whittemore was voted Best Family Dentist in Memphis Parent Magazine’s most recent survey.
Also voted Hot List Cosmetic Dentist in the Memphis Flyer and listed among Top Dentists in Memphis Magazine every year. If you want personalized, caring general or cosmetic dentistry on a whole other level than you’ve experienced before, call John’s office to make an appointment. (901)-754-0540.
John is also selling his 4BR/3BA house on Audubon Drive.
3. Richard Bourland – “Your Boot Camp Handyman” – Home Improvement, Carpentry, Custom Bunk Beds and other Woodworking Services, firstname.lastname@example.org, 901.826-6695. www.midsouthbunkbeds.com
You can see a much longer and detailed list of people I refer on the USMC Fitness BOOT CAMP website blog page. Once on the blog page use the search window, keyword “Buddy,” and it’ll take you to that page.
If you drop my name, you might get a discount. But for sure you’ll get their sympathy and prayers!
If you’d like to be listed here in “I GOTTA GUY” just let me know!
BOOT CAMP DISCOUNTS!
The monthly fee of $75 can be discounted to $55!
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
THE MONTHLY FEE OF $75 CAN BE DISCOUNTED TO $55!
Here’s how …
Make a Facebook status update and get a discount!
For every status update that you make that references:
“USMC Fitness Boot Camp,”
“Sgt. Tony’s Boot Camp,”
“Tony’s Boot Camp,”
or something similar, you can take $2.50 off your reenlistment fee for each update, up to $20 off for any given month! You can go from $75 to $55 a month!!
Your status update has to be a SPECIFIC reference to USMC Fitness BOOT CAMP or to me specifically by name. (There are fake boot camps out there!!)
You can also use “Places” on Facebook or Foursquare linked to your Facebook account to “check in” and you’ll get the same discount!
Use your own wording and personality, just include the specifics.
So log on and get started today!
UNEMPLOYED PERSON’S DISCOUNT
If you’ve been a Boot Camper in the past and you are currently unemployed, you can get a special discount. Email me for the details. Seriously! Email me! NOW! And don’t be embarrassed. I will make you an offer that you can’t refuse. Seriously.
LAW ENFORCEMENT AND FIRE DEPARTMENT DISCOUNTS
Police Officers, Sheriff’s Deputies, and Memphis Firefighters qualify for a special discount! It’s the least I can do to ensure that our law enforcement officers and firefighters are fit for their job!! Pass the word!
WANT TO LOSE 10 to 15 POUNDS BY THE END OF NOVEMBER?
Take Shape For Life is the BEST weight loss program I know of. If you’d like to lose weight talk to me. This is the program I used to lose the almost 30 pounds I gained after knee surgery. Let me help you!
You can also go to www.combatchallenge.tsfl.com/
TUESDAY & THURSDAY EVENING CLASS
The Tuesday and Thursday evening classes meet at St. Mary’s track. These are cardio (walking/jogging/running) workouts and they begin at 5:45 PM.
St. Mary’s is at the corner of Walnut Grove and Perkins.
A calendar has been added to the official USMC Fitness BOOT CAMP website.
For you visual learners, you’ll find this an easy way to glance at the week or month and see where the workouts will be, if there’s a venue change.
ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF GETTING OFF YOUR ASS IS RIGHT FOR YOU!
To your optimum health and fitness!
SEE YOU ON THE QUARTERDECK!
Sergeant Major Tony Ludlow
USMC Fitness BOOT CAMP, Commanding
Mailing address: 4888 Southern Ave., Memphis, TN 38117
Cell Phone: 901-644-0145